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Written by Bruce J Sallan
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Thursday, 29 October 2009 17:29 |
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In every marriage, spouses face an inevitable choice between their children and their spouse. It is a classic dilemma that confronts every couple and one that is inescapable and difficult. It is especially true in second marriages, like mine. I have to admit, it is an ongoing issue in our home and one I'm trying to figure out with the right amount of love and respect shown towards everyone.
Some therapists advise that the husband/wife should always come first. Others, like Dr. Laura, advise to always put the kids first. As with much of her advice, I think it's too cut-and-dried and doesn't take into consideration the grays of life. In my case, I was raising my boys alone for several years and the bond we had was deep, plus the hurt from their mom abandoning them was deep and different for each of them.
When I was lucky enough to meet my wife I was initially concerned about whether she would like my children. For that matter, given that she had no children of her own, how would they relate and/or like her? She wasn't willing to even meet them until we were relatively convinced our relationship was heading somewhere. When they did meet, several months later, it was more or less a love-fest between her and David, while Will had just entered his teens and wasn't really interested in anything but himself, though thankfully he wasn't outright hostile to her.
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Written by Bruce J Sallan
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Thursday, 13 August 2009 04:46 |
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A recent e-mail from my oldest friend, a college professor, stimulated me to reflect on how we search and find work, as well as in small business how we promote and sell ourselves. On this subject, I’ve observed my teen son’s failed efforts to find a summer job. And, finally, I’ve thought about my own recent efforts in designing and launching my own website (www.brucesallan.com). For me, throughout my life, there was only one thing that worked and it was persistence. I believe, especially in our present economic times, persistence is the primary thing that works.
My old friend the professor had a whole list of very sharp suggestions on how I could better brand (contemporary slang for identifying yourself or your company, as with Nike’s swoosh) my site, my work, and myself. They ranged from hiring a consultant to doing informational interviewing, as well as developing an “elevator speech” (means exactly what you’d expect—a short enough description of your work that could be told in an elevator ride), and much more. As I read and digested his suggestions, I was struck by the fact that my initial reaction was “this is just too much work” and “I like my style better.”
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Written by Bruce J Sallan
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Thursday, 13 August 2009 04:42 |
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Most of us gossip without giving it any thought whatsoever. Yet, its effects can be so damaging and full of impact. Our kids face this sort of thing in high school in ways we couldn't have imagined long ago. With the advent of instant communications, whether it is instant messaging, tweeting, or immediate photos and videos, the ability to communicate to a wide swatch of people is available to everyone. I used to think Polaroid cameras were pretty cool.
So, when our kid is captured doing something embarrassing on someone's phone video, it appears that evening on YouTube. When a kid chooses to expose him or herself via these sorts of instant means, it is done without any cost or time to even reflect on that decision. When that's done, it's "out there" forever. I think this all comes with a high cost. The benefits are good, on occasion, as with the recent election backlash in Iran, where the government couldn't shut down outside communication due to the existence of these pervasive tech tools.
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Written by Bruce J Sallan
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Sunday, 02 August 2009 16:15 |
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Do men really have good support for emotional issues, on a regular basis? When a man reaches a certain age and he’s depressed, he’s struggling with his place in the world, he’s going through family problems or a divorce, or financial and job worries, etc., where can he turn? Add into the mix that he’s a single dad and has no immediate family around and you have my situation, a few years ago.
When my marriage first broke up, I was blessed to find a circle of men that supported and guided me through the horrible ups and downs that followed. No, it wasn’t some beer-drinking group of women-haters, nor a drumming in Indian war paint Robert Bly-type of thing. It was regular men, with regular problems, getting together and talking about the real stuff.
I’ve stayed with this group, through various incarnations of men leaving and joining, for going on eight years now. Unlike the stereotype beliefs of men’s groups, ours completely supports parenting and a man’s relationship with his spouse and children. But, unfortunately, this is unusual, as men don’t tend to maintain their close male relationships after they marry, have children, and get further into their careers.
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Written by Bruce J Sallan
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Sunday, 02 August 2009 15:38 |
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Memories Are Made of This
I am quite happy to write this column from the vantage point of some distance from the pain of my own father's death and the time I was alone, separated, and then divorced, and raising my boys 24/7. But, it only seems appropriate to reflect on those times, the positive memories of my dad, and the contrasting struggle of teaching my boys, much younger then, to remember their own father.
My father was a unique man: stoic, hard working, resistant to complaints, and whining, and completely in love with my mother. David Sallan died where he was happiest, right next to my mom, holding her hand, at 90 years of age. They met when he was 17 and she was 14, by a lake in Michigan; he was the sun-tanned water-worshipper, she was the shy, pale, redhead with a brain. He was brawn; she was class. And, he worshipped her from the day he laid eyes on her.
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